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cheesy, cheesy, cheesy...

Z

ziloo

Veteran Member
Joined
Feb 7, 2006
Messages
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Location
in the basement
The teacher asked one of her young students if he knew his numbers.

"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."

"Good. What comes after three."

"Four," answers the boy.

"What comes after six?"

"Seven."

"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?"

"A jack," says the little boy.


ziloo :biggrin:
 
On a movie forum, someone had asked everybody to list the
movies that made them cry and one the fellows
had listed (true story):

Ernest Saves Christmas: I don't remember much about this movie,
but I do remember what made me cry was that Santa Claus was
treated rather badly in it at points, and I felt rather sorry for
the character.

Silent Running : those poor little robots!!!

:biggrin:
 
In a small desert town, a guy walks into a bar. He asks the bartender
"About how big are penguins?"

Surprised, the bartender spreads his hands about one and a half feet apart and
says "about yay big."

The man looks terrified screams "DARN! I JUST RAN OVER A NUN!"

:biggrin:

p.s. intended only for fun...
 
“As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and
I can't remember the other two...”
Sir Norman Wisdom

“One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that
even a bargain costs money.”
Edgar Watson Howe


“ We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to
walk and talk, and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.”
Phyllis Diller


“Start every day with a smile and get it over with.”
W.C. Fields


“Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.”
Will Rogers


“Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job,
not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have
the same choice we've always had: work or prison.”
Tim Allen


“I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.”
Woody Allen


“Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.”
Erica Jong


“Don't take life too seriously, you'll never get out of it alive.”
Elbert Hubbard


“In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out.”
Joey Adams


“I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years.
If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.”
Henry Youngman


“Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born ?”
Benny Hill

:biggrin:
 
You have two cows!!!

You have two cows!!!

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

DEMOCRACY
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICANISM
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none...... So?

COMMUNIST
You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. Under the new farm program the government pays you to
shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on
the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to
the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow
and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer,
give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also
demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around,
you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have
five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have
42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don't milk them because
you cannot touch any creature's private parts. You get a $40 million grant from
the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to
buy weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the
black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't
figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you
which one you think is the best-looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows. They make real California cheese. Only five speak English.
Many are illegals. Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

:biggrin:
 
You have two cows!

You have two cows!

VC Forum
You have two cows. One is young and produces enough milk
for the whole family. But you like the other cow that is old,
gives no milk, or even if you squeeze out a few drops ....it is all yellowed!
You spend every dime you have to get more old cows that everybody is
trying to send to the slaughter house.

Please feel free to post your version...

:biggrin:
 
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Understanding Engineers - Take One

Two engineering students crossing the campus when one said, "Where did you
get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along
yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She
threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't
have fit."

Understanding Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half
empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers - Take Three

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind
firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we
always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said,
"That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said,
"Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's
anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Four

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons and Civil Engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers - Take Five
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
 
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You own two dogs. One spends all her time sleeping. The other spends all his time licking his private parts. In a fit of envy, you shoot the dog. In prison, you learn to give milk. The other dog learns to lick her private parts. All is good.

--T
 
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*** raunch alert ***

*** raunch alert ***

Two guys are walking to the beer store. They see a dog licking himself. Dude sez, "Damn, I wish I could do that!" Other dude replies, "Offer him a treat, he'll prolly let ya!"

Later...

Same two guys, kickin' it back at the crib, hittin' their fo'ties. Dog in the corner, licking himself:

Dude#1: "I still wish I could do that, TO MYSELF!"
Other dude: "If I could do it to myself, why the hell would I have a dog?"

--T
 
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Terry and the seeing eye dog!

Terry and the seeing eye dog!

A blind man is standing at the corner with his seeing eye dog waiting to
cross the street, when his pooch lifts his leg and pisses down the side of
his nice, herringbone tweed trousers. The guy immediately pulls a
doggie biscuit out of his pocket and offers it to the dog.

Our beloved Terry was watching this from across the street.
"Excuse me, sir," he calls to the blind man, "are you aware that
your dog has just pissed all down the leg of your pants?"

"Yes," replies the blind man. "A dreadful habit, which I'm trying to
break him of."

"Well, it's none of my business," says Terry, "but you're not going to
teach him much by rewarding him with a biscuit!"

The blind fellow chuckles, and says, "I'm not rewarding him. I'm just
trying to locate his head so that I can accurately kick his a$$!"

:biggrin:
 
Aw, c'mon, z...you can do better than that! How 'bout sum'n original, like:

"Yo momma so fat, she hadda rent the Marianas Trench for her baptism!"

...or even more cerebral, like:

"Yo momma so stank, she gave herself Gulf War Syndrome!"

Put that great mind of yours to use...

--T
 
Come on Terryyyyyyy...........we got to keep this G rated...

Q: What is the worst thing that can happen to a bat while sleeping?

A: Diarrhea.

:biggrin:
 
blind Pepé Le Pew

blind Pepé Le Pew

Q: What ever happened to that romantic blind skunk?

A: He fell in love with a fart!

:biggrin:
 
The first snake says, "I hope I'm not poisonous."

The second snake asks, " Why?"

The first snake goes, "Because I just bit my lip!"


................. And the fall continues...


:biggrin:
 
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